


Without You, I'll Be Miserable At Best

by starrywrite



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dan's POV, M/M, implied break up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-18
Updated: 2013-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-05 00:43:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s snowing today. The snow reminds me of you. Everything reminds me of you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without You, I'll Be Miserable At Best

**Author's Note:**

> I’M FINALLY DONE WITH FINALS GOD BLESS I FINISHED ANOTHER SEMESTER OF COLLEGE AND IM STILL ALIVE LETS JUST TAKE A MOMENT. okay now about the fic.
> 
> so i saw some photoshopped tweets the other day and my friend alex oh so subtly hinted that someone should write something based off of them, and who am i to deny the world of its daily dose of angst yay also i rewrote this like 3 times before i was finally sastified with it and wrote most of it at two in the morning what is sleep) and even tho this is kinda shit this is the version i hate the least whoo (ﾉ◕‿◕)ﾉ～ enjoy
> 
> disclaimer: phan is not real and i am in no way claiming this couple is real. i just ship them kinda hard.

There used to be a time when we’d walk down the street together, and the cold wouldn’t feel as cold anymore because your fingers would be laced with mine and you’d kiss the tip of my nose, and make me feel warm. And the snow would fall from the sky, and I’d watch as a smile stretched across your face and you’d talk about how pretty it all is, and I’d say “So pretty,” but I wouldn’t be looking at the snow; I’d be looking at you. Because you’re the prettiest thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on. 

There used to be days when the ground was coated with a layer or snow, and we wouldn’t have work because the roads were terrible, and we’d both smile because we got to sleep in together, lying in bed for a few extra hours just holding each other and whispering sweet nothings. And we’d lay on the couch together with mugs of hot chocolate, watching our favorite movies that we’ve both seen hundreds of times. Because those were some of our favorite memories together. 

There used to be nights when you’d convince me to go outside because, “There’s so much snow, come see, come see!” and even though it was freezing and I know what the snow looks like, I let you take me by the hand and lead me outside. And there’d be inches of snow on the ground and it’d be way too cold for either of us to be outside in just our pj’s, but you didn’t seem to care. And the smile on your face would be so wide, and I’d watch as you wrote ‘I ❤ Dan’ in the snow, and my heart would pound fast in my chest. Because I love you too. So much.

I wonder if you still love me. I wonder if you wake up in the morning and think of me, the same way I think of you the second I wake up. I wonder if you hate me, because I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I fucked everything up, and I wish I could go back in time and fix everything I ruined, but I can’t and now you’re gone and fuck, I just miss you so much. I love you. I need you.  
I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if you still love me. 

The flat feels colder now; I wake up shivering, but I haven’t figured out if it’s because it’s ten degrees and the furnace broke broke three days ago and I never got it fixed, or if it’s because I’m waking up without your arms around me, without your lips pressed to my neck, without your fringe brushing against my bare shoulder… without you. 

It’s been two weeks since you left, since you’ve been staying with your parents because we can’t be in the same room anymore without fighting. I don’t know how you put up with me for so long though because I’m an asshole and I push you away when I shouldn’t and I shut you out and I’m too selfish to admit that you deserve so much better than me. And I could see you falling out of love with me the longer you stayed because I kept fucking everything up. And leaving me was probably the smartest decision you could’ve made, but I couldn’t let you go. 

“I just need some space, Dan, okay?” you had said, and I could tell your heart was heavy and mine was breaking, and _I need you, please don’t leave me._

“Please, don’t do this, Phil,” I pleaded with you because I knew what was coming next and you couldn’t leave me, please don’t leave me. “Please, I’m sorry, I’ll change, I’ll fix everything-”

“Dan, stop,” tears were welling up in your eyes and it made my heart break because not only did I ruin everything between us, but I made you cry and I would never forgive myself for this. “Just give me a few days, okay?” 

“Phil,” you name got lost in the mix of a broken sob as I watched you walk out the door, leaving me alone for the first time since we’ve met. 

And now two weeks later, here I am; alone, miserable, missing you, wanting you. I’ve called you too many times and left too many voicemails and texted you too many times and basically done everything except for give you the space you said you needed because I need you and I love you and life fucking sucks without you. 

My friends keep telling me this is no way to live; I need to try and do something other than lie face down on the couch or eat my weight in chocolates. I need to live my life as if you were still here, but you’re not and I can’t, so I’m going to do nothing except for lie face down on the couch and eat my weight in chocolates. Because I miss you and fuck, I can’t stop thinking about you and wondering if you miss me too. 

* * *

Waking up sucks, waking up without you sucks, rolling over to see the bed empty sucks. I sigh heavily, making no attempt to move and just lie there, hoping to fall back asleep because at least in my dreams I can still call you mine. Now, I’m not so sure anymore. 

No, I can’t go there; I can’t spend another day moping. I need to shower, I need to film something, I need to reply to emails - I need to do something to feel less like shit, I need to do something to make me miss you less. I pick up my phone; it’s been almost two weeks since I’ve tweeted anything and my mentions have been blowing up, asking where I’m at, if I’m okay, wondering why I haven’t done a liveshow or uploaded a video. And it’s not like I can tell the world I’m too heartbroken to do anything except for lie in my bed and listen to Coldplay (and cry). I mindlessly scroll through my feed, trying to come up with a decent reason as to why I’ve been so MIA lately. I roll over in bed, lying on my side and facing the window, when I glance up and see that it’s snowing outside.

I stare out the window, watching the snowfall, and I think of you, and the mugs of hot chocolate, and the cuddles, and writing “I love you” in the snow, and I suddenly want to cry again because I miss you so fucking much. I need you to know how much I miss you, I need you to know I’m sorry and that I’ve changed and I’ll do whatever it takes to fix everything I’ve ruined. Before I can stop myself, I grab my phone again and type up a tweet.

_‘it’s snowing today’_

I wonder if you’ll see me tweeting, if you’ve taken me off of your mobile alerts since you left. I wonder if you’ll get online and see my tweets and think of me. And once again, I’m typing and sending another tweet.

_‘the snow reminds me of you’_

I shouldn’t be doing this. We both agreed our private business was our private business, and we would only put things regarding our relationship out on the internet if we both agreed to it. But you’re not here right now and you won’t answer my calls or texts, and fuck, I just need you, Phil. I start typing again, and ignoring the little voice in the back of my mind telling me this is a shitty idea and that I need to turn my phone off and go back to bed, I send two more tweets. 

_‘everything reminds me of you’_

_‘i miss you’_

My heart starts pounding; I keep checking my mentions, hoping your name will pop up but it doesn’t. And I need to stop, this is like drunk dialling someone only it’s worse because I’m sober and I can’t stop myself from making a complete fool out of myself in front of anyone. But I don’t care, because something tells me that you can see these tweets and something tells me you’ll finally talk to me. Even if it’s to tell me to fuck off, I just need something from you - anything. 

_‘i’m sorry that i fucked everything up’_

I press send once again, and I wait. Because you’ll know these are about you, and you’ll know I’m talking to you right now. And you’ll know how desperate I am to talk to you, and I feel sick as time passes because you still haven’t said anything. I start to think, maybe you’re not online, maybe you took me off of your mobile alerts and you won’t see any of these until you get on your laptop or phone, maybe you’re ignoring me, maybe you don’t care anymore, maybe you don’t want to talk to me. 

Desperate, I type and send one final tweet.

_‘@AmazingPhil please talk to me’_

And I wait, and wait, and the seconds turn to minutes, and minutes turn to an hour and you still haven’t said anything. And I don’t know what to do anymore.

* * *

My phone’s blowing up; PJ calling, Chris calling, Carrie calling, Louise calling. I know what they’re all going to say - “are you okay?” “do you want to talk about it?” “do you want some company?” “he’ll come to his senses sooner or later” “it’ll be okay” “he’ll come home, don’t worry” - and I don’t want to hear any of it. My twitter mentions are going insane, and I’m getting text after text, but I can’t be bothered to talk to anyone. I just want to talk to you right now. I need to talk to you right now. Even though there’s that little voice in the back of my mind telling me, maybe you don’t want to talk to me. Maybe you’ve moved on and you’re over it, over me. Maybe you don’t love me anymore.

I don’t know what to do anymore; I thought you needed time, but I can’t help but to think you’re gone for good. And I don’t know what to do to make you come home. How can I apologize to you when you won’t even talk to me? How can I let you know that I’m not the same asshole and that it shouldn’t have taken you leaving for me to realize I need to change, but I’m different now and you can count on me - I know you couldn’t count on me before, but you can now. I want to tell you all of that, I want to tell you I won’t hurt you again, I won’t push you away or shut you out. I’ll be a better boyfriend, I’ll be better. But how can I tell you this when you still won’t talk to me. 

The sun’s set and the moon’s high in the sky. It stopped snowing, but the ground is white and I can imagine you dragging me outside to write our names in the snow and throw snowballs at each other. All the things we used to do. All the things I took for granted.

My phone vibrates once again, and I consider ignoring it because I don’t want to talk to anyone or see any more tweets about my little break down. But it keeps vibrating, and I’m either getting ten messages in a row or someone’s calling me. Probably someone checking up to make sure I’m not binge drinking or something, and I roll over with the intention to ignore the call and turn my phone off for the rest of the day.

When I see your name illuminating my phone screen.

You’re calling me, and my heart nearly stops because this is the first time you’ve reached out to me in two weeks, and I feel like vomiting. But I need to compose myself because if I keep staring at my phone, it’s going to go to voicemail and I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you and this may be my only chance to get to talk to you. My hands shake as I grab my iPhone, nearly dropping it in the process, and I answer your call. “Hey,” I say a little breathlessly, my heart pounding a mile a minute.

“Hey,” you say softly and there’s a long silence. I press the phone impossibly close to my ear and just listen to you breathing, waiting for you to say something because I’m at a loss. “I saw your tweets,” you finally tell me.

My stomach drops a little and I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. “I - I was hoping you would,” I admit. There’s another long silence, and maybe I shouldn’t have said that, maybe I should play it a little cooler but then again you’ve seen the tweets, you know how desperate to talk to you, and it’s taking all my strength to blurt out “I love you” and start singing some cheesy love song to you.

Finally, you say to me, “I miss you too,” and I can’t help but to smile a little, for the first time in two weeks. 

You miss me. It’s a start. And I’ll take it.


End file.
